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Q. What's the best thing about dating a hipster?


A. When it's all over, you will never hear songs that remind you of them.


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Free Bird: Letting DJ's Take a Dump Since 1973.


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I’ve decided recently, that I will be releasing a series of satirical biographies parodying great females through history. I plan on calling it:
Bio-Degrading Women.


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Did you hear about the new group of philosophical rappers? They call themselves Naughty By Nietzsche.


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Did anyone else ever notice that most of the people in America that really hate roundabouts are ironically, big fans of Nascar?


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The Determined American Free Thinkers Against Superstitions Society (or D.A.F.T.A.S.S. for short) held their semi-annual “Anti-Friday the 13th” demonstration this morning at Harkway Inn in Cumberland PA. They kicked off  the festivities by walking under ladders, breaking mirrors, spilling salt and having 38 black cats roaming around freely in front of predetermined paths. The organizer Sharon Peltzer said it was, “…an attempt to debunk peoples silly beliefs.” The hotel collapsed and killed all 72 people in attendance. All of the cats were eventually rescued, but are to be put on a low sodium diet for the next few weeks.

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How can you tell if the sour cream has gone bad?


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 If you write an autobiography, would it really be all that necessary to have that little section at the end of the book, “About The Author”?


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You don’t see too many attractive people on the radio anymore.


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You know what I really miss? The name game. I know it’s dated and faded and lame, but I’m just hoping that for some odd reason it becomes really popular again.

Especially with kids.

I hope some rapper or pop tart releases a cover of the name game and it gets over played all over the world.

And people can really kick themselves for giving their accidents really stupid names like Tucker.


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If you have some really weird freak accident happen to your car or home; is the Act of God claim on your insurance completely null and void if you’re an atheist?


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I’m not one to go around correcting people on their speech, but I can’t hold this one back any longer. “The Bird” is actually two words.


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All through the course of history, man has always wanted to find, capture, and have sex with mermaids. Unfortunately, they have no vagina.


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Whenever you hear a song referred to as an “anthem” you can rest assured it’s over played and overrated.


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How come it’s okay to have fantasies about receiving fellatio from an angel, but it’s not okay to have fantasies about getting fellatio from a nun?


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How can you tell you tell when laxatives have gone bad?

  

I mean sure you could look at the box, but say you don’t have the box. Say you’ve had them a while and didn’t save the box because you don’t regularly get irregularity. You got a really bad case of the non-shits and you don’t want to run to the store to get more just to read the goddamn box.

  

So, you take the ones that you have in the medicine cabinet.

 

Now, how do you know they went bad? Seems to me that if something goes bad and you consume it, it makes you sick and you get the shits. But, they’re laxatives... So, if you get the shits-- by this rationale, they didn’t go bad.


Also, by the opposite train of logical thought, that would mean that if they are old-- would you not get the shits. You still sit there constipated because the laxatives went bad and now you’re not shitting.
    How could you tell?     How could you tell if you’re not shitting due the fact of bad laxatives or because you had constipation in the first place?    This is what I think of when I’m staring at the bathroom wall.    

Not shitting.

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Ever wonder why they got rid of the White Power Ranger?

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American president Bill Clinton. Like him, hate him… He’s developed quite the rap sheet during his terms. He erased the national deficit, he bombed an aspirin company, he gave America an economical surplus, he lied to his wife and the country about getting blown by another woman… Yes, say what you will about Bill Clinton; he’s going down in all of the history books exactly where he wants to be: completely surrounded by Bush.

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Every time I see a bunch of people wearing party hats I just know something’s bound to go wrong.

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Homophobes are gay.

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Contrary to popular belief, the practice of running water on your toothbrush before brushing isn’t to get the bristles softer before you add toothpaste. It’s to rinse off all of the little bugs that get on there when you’re not looking.

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Q. How did Jar-Jar Binks die?

A. Mesothelioma!

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FUN FACT!

Although, it is commonly known that ducks are one of the few species in the animal kingdom that mate for life; it is an even lesser known fact that they are also one of the very few species on earth that anally rape each other.

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If  you were truly “old school”, wouldn’t you consider yourself to be “old fashioned”?

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Just because I’m saying something differently from what I’m meaning to say, doesn’t mean that I’m meaning something differently from what I’m saying. You know what I mean? Or do you know what I’m saying?

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Somebody pissed in the gene pool.

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How come you never meet a red haired, freckled lady by the name of Ginger?

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When pluralizing, wouldn’t it be LsOL?

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Generic Spaghetti O’s…
“Spaghettos”

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Fruit punch is a hate crime.

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If I were a transient, I’d be home by now.

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In "Romeo And Juliet," I believe that Romeo could subconsciously tell that Juliet was breathing, even if he could not acknowledge it. As he stared at his tiny vial of poison (which I've always believed would taste like 'Chambord' for some reason,) in less than a second's time, he saw a vast and instantaneous expansion of what their ongoing lives would be like together. 


     An unending family feud, children, grandchildren, aging, gaining weight, mediocrity, financial problems, aches and pains, the thrill of infatuation slowly burning off into a love that resembles his own parents'. A life of simply filing into the vast void of nothingness and forgetability and realizing that at this moment of unsurpassing dread; he sees beyond the years and decades that were to follow, his brain absorbs and processes all of this in that fleeting millisecond... and tricks himself into "not seeing her breathe." So, he raises the small flask into the light:


     "Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss A dateless bargain to engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love! (drinks) O true apothecary! They drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die."


    Knowing full well that Juliet would soon follow him.